I’ve definitely been in those moments... dinner with friends, casual chats...where I catch myself trying to sound smart just to feel seen. It’s subtle, but it’s there. That weird tension between wanting to be authentic and wanting to be impressive.
Lately I’ve been trying to unlearn that. To enjoy learning and curiosity without turning it into some kind of performance. Feels way better to just be in the moment, without trying to prove anything.
I think real sophistication comes from that quiet confidence, just knowing who you are and not needing to explain it all the time
Part of seeking validation for intellect or knowledge is not about reaching out to the public masses. There's also an aspect of seeking validation from our closer connections, for whom it is not about clout or standing. Sometimes, we need to show that we have 'done the work' and that we are engaged in the issues that matter. Virtue signaling is sometimes necessary, not to impress, but to earn our space in sensitive communities. It is important to understand issues (queer and trans rights, systemic racism and sexism, intersectionality) and we have to be able to demonstrate that understanding; not to brag, but to be (and be seen as) a safe and contributing member of whatever community.
I share the same sentiments with how we can utilize knowledge as a tool for entering social discourses. It is indeed not necessarily to display having known a certain topic just for the sake of ‘bragging’ and fulfillment of insecurities. I like to believe that it is rather a mindful and considerate display of effort—that we have done our part in educating ourselves well enough to be able to impart valuable insights to a discussion. Such are initiatives that help create safe and intellectual spaces especially in crucial discourses that aim to address/tackle society’s pressing issues that have yet to reach a consensus of understanding.
Nonetheless, this is such an insightful piece which sparked these conversations. Y’all have great minds 👏🏽
Interesting, your essay contains a particularly good description of how hard it is to communicate intelligence in a short time and to strangers. I agree it is a good thing to question our motives, but as you describe, there are more than one.
One motivation for displaying and trying to communicate intelligence for me is to gain entrance into social groups that value vigorous “competitions” or elevated (ie informed) debate to help us all improve our understanding of a difficult issue.
Participants in such “learning communities“ benefit from being challenged and having to challenge others in return, which IMHO clarifies our ideas and approaches the ideal of discovering enduring truths. Universities seem to best suited to this goal of creating vibrant thought on complex subjects by providing access to committed disciplined learners and by motivating their communities to seek new knowledge and understanding.
This was such a great read! I have to say that with all areas of life where we seek validation, it all comes from an intrinsic desire to be seen/accepted. It’s our intention that is the main factor in every aspect, if we learn with the intention to fill our cup, or for curiosity, or for pure joy- we will enjoy the fruits of the seeds we plant. But if we outsource the purpose of our actions, it’s impossible to feel self-fulfilled. We are a society that is nearly addicted to being impressive, so it’s no wonder we act out in ways that make us feel that way- but it’s a fleeting feeling, and we will find the next person to impress.
Such a thought-provoking piece, thank you so much for sharing. Your words help reframe knowledge in a way that’s enriching to ourselves separate (or at least further away) from the constant comparisons.
I agree with this need to prove your intellectual status in a conversation, in a group - it does define the social hierarchy. Not to be attached to it is a big feat. Any tactical tips to stop yourself from saying this?
I often question myself - am I learning this because I am curious or to tell someone after? Helps me stay naturally curious while keeping this monster who wants to tell everyone this cool thing I saw this weekend.
This piece has so much in it that has got me thinking. As a retired school principal, my purpose was supposed to instill more knowledge in pupils that they could then share in exams. The more they knew, the 'better' they were considered to be. That meant a pathway to a 'better' school and eventually a 'better' job. But as you so beautifully what is 'better' & against whose judgement. Better to look for that intrinsic validation. Thank you
The sad thing is in school (in the United States) they remove the passion of curiosity what I mean by this is they keep us thinking inside the box rather than outside of it. they deny any thought that doesn’t not align with our lessons or the history books or what the district wants us to learn, so it limits our ability to be curious and to expand our thinking. I loved reading this I can relate to the feeling of being smart just to show of my knowledge and to “prove” how smart I am. Especially with the overwhelming feeling of imposter syndrome.
I’ve definitely been in those moments... dinner with friends, casual chats...where I catch myself trying to sound smart just to feel seen. It’s subtle, but it’s there. That weird tension between wanting to be authentic and wanting to be impressive.
Lately I’ve been trying to unlearn that. To enjoy learning and curiosity without turning it into some kind of performance. Feels way better to just be in the moment, without trying to prove anything.
I think real sophistication comes from that quiet confidence, just knowing who you are and not needing to explain it all the time
Part of seeking validation for intellect or knowledge is not about reaching out to the public masses. There's also an aspect of seeking validation from our closer connections, for whom it is not about clout or standing. Sometimes, we need to show that we have 'done the work' and that we are engaged in the issues that matter. Virtue signaling is sometimes necessary, not to impress, but to earn our space in sensitive communities. It is important to understand issues (queer and trans rights, systemic racism and sexism, intersectionality) and we have to be able to demonstrate that understanding; not to brag, but to be (and be seen as) a safe and contributing member of whatever community.
I share the same sentiments with how we can utilize knowledge as a tool for entering social discourses. It is indeed not necessarily to display having known a certain topic just for the sake of ‘bragging’ and fulfillment of insecurities. I like to believe that it is rather a mindful and considerate display of effort—that we have done our part in educating ourselves well enough to be able to impart valuable insights to a discussion. Such are initiatives that help create safe and intellectual spaces especially in crucial discourses that aim to address/tackle society’s pressing issues that have yet to reach a consensus of understanding.
Nonetheless, this is such an insightful piece which sparked these conversations. Y’all have great minds 👏🏽
Interesting, your essay contains a particularly good description of how hard it is to communicate intelligence in a short time and to strangers. I agree it is a good thing to question our motives, but as you describe, there are more than one.
One motivation for displaying and trying to communicate intelligence for me is to gain entrance into social groups that value vigorous “competitions” or elevated (ie informed) debate to help us all improve our understanding of a difficult issue.
Participants in such “learning communities“ benefit from being challenged and having to challenge others in return, which IMHO clarifies our ideas and approaches the ideal of discovering enduring truths. Universities seem to best suited to this goal of creating vibrant thought on complex subjects by providing access to committed disciplined learners and by motivating their communities to seek new knowledge and understanding.
Or I could just be an idealist-lol
This was such a great read! I have to say that with all areas of life where we seek validation, it all comes from an intrinsic desire to be seen/accepted. It’s our intention that is the main factor in every aspect, if we learn with the intention to fill our cup, or for curiosity, or for pure joy- we will enjoy the fruits of the seeds we plant. But if we outsource the purpose of our actions, it’s impossible to feel self-fulfilled. We are a society that is nearly addicted to being impressive, so it’s no wonder we act out in ways that make us feel that way- but it’s a fleeting feeling, and we will find the next person to impress.
Such a thought-provoking piece, thank you so much for sharing. Your words help reframe knowledge in a way that’s enriching to ourselves separate (or at least further away) from the constant comparisons.
It’s due to our separateness that we seek approval
You articles are such a great read always :)
I agree with this need to prove your intellectual status in a conversation, in a group - it does define the social hierarchy. Not to be attached to it is a big feat. Any tactical tips to stop yourself from saying this?
I often question myself - am I learning this because I am curious or to tell someone after? Helps me stay naturally curious while keeping this monster who wants to tell everyone this cool thing I saw this weekend.
Somehow, you managed to describe what I feel (and struggle with) in a delicate and accurate way. Thank you!
This piece has so much in it that has got me thinking. As a retired school principal, my purpose was supposed to instill more knowledge in pupils that they could then share in exams. The more they knew, the 'better' they were considered to be. That meant a pathway to a 'better' school and eventually a 'better' job. But as you so beautifully what is 'better' & against whose judgement. Better to look for that intrinsic validation. Thank you
Thank you for this piece! It made rethink my relationship with my intellectual pursuits, and how I try to loop in my social circles.
This resonates so much with me. Thank you.
Thank you for this ❤️
Sometimes, i take Screenshots of your posts and write them down in my journals. Thank you for sharing your thoughts!🙏
The sad thing is in school (in the United States) they remove the passion of curiosity what I mean by this is they keep us thinking inside the box rather than outside of it. they deny any thought that doesn’t not align with our lessons or the history books or what the district wants us to learn, so it limits our ability to be curious and to expand our thinking. I loved reading this I can relate to the feeling of being smart just to show of my knowledge and to “prove” how smart I am. Especially with the overwhelming feeling of imposter syndrome.