As an 82 year old woman I have abandoned being liked. I don’t get any glances from men like I used to. Only other gray haired women smile at me because we are in a secret club: the invisible club. So we take our revenge by being outrageously direct and truthful. But even with this we are told, “Oh, she is just an old lady.”
Being liked was always currency to get to stay in the tribe, popularity being the greatest thing as touted by many movies and magazines. If we stand back and take a look, all marketing is about being liked. Men don't do this and are praised for it. Now being grey haired and in midlife I see how I am dismissed by men of many ages and younger women. It's a tragedy and one we must amend. A friend of mine recently told me "I'm nice" (she) and "Everybody tells her so." I told her that acting in a way that makes people like you is just manipulation.
She hasn't spoken to me since 🤔😂. But as Sharon Horgan might say "I don't need to be liked by everybody, I'm not a small dog." 🐶😛
I can’t even begin to describe how much I find these words relatable. It takes a lot of courage to be true to yourself and be disliked for that if the situation demands. I struggle with this A LOTTT. I don’t even understand how to stay confident in my words or opinions. I stay mum in many conversations just coz I know my surrounding environment will find my point of view eccentric. I know they might bitch or dislike me behind my back. I keep everything to myself coz I know I will be wrongly judged. I wish there was a space where acceptance was more and being palatable was never an option💕
Such an interesting text, I kinda wanna print it and re-read it everytime I doubt myself. Let's keep on fighting this urge to be palatable and trying to be more true to ourselves!!!
I just recently used the word "unpalatable" to describe myself and this post came on my feed at the best time. I'm 25 and currently dealing with the consequences of being relentlessly truthful and simply myself (and therefore unpalatable)—it mostly manifests with bad luck in dating, because I don't make any effort to soften or shrink myself to try and earn love. It's not an easy path and it's caused me a lot of pain, but I will never regret being myself.
Yes to all of this, I absolutely feel the pressure to conform, to soothe the way for others in conversation. Does anyone have suggestions for how to gradually break these molds to be able to express, or worry less, but not lose those around us or even jobs?
same question! how do i still get along with others while staying true to oneself? social network is very important and affects various aspects of life honestly,,, so this will be a struggle when we dont wanna break connections or anything, am i making sense?
Yes, complete sense! There is a balance, as much as we want to be able to unmask and be honest in our presentation, we also need to survive and thrive in a complex society. The long-term solution involves less individual change and more societal shifts, as well as education around inclusion and awareness.
I was internally shouting “yes! many times reading this. In my 20s I was told many times I was essentially unpalatable and I internalized it into me being “wrong”. In my 30s I worked endlessly to prove to everyone I was “Good” until I burned out-as one does. Now in my 40s I’ve been questioning all of it and gently coaxing my intuition out of hiding. It is taking a lot to undo narratives, forgive myself, and see the nature of self abandonment and its damage. Articles like this remind me I’m not alone and to keep going to restore the “quirky and oddball” person I tried and successfully suppressed for over a decade. Now when other people point out I’m being difficult or I need to smile or speak in a certain tone—I know I’m on the “Good” path of coming home to myself.
Great piece! I never managed to fit in, in order to be liked. I always said the uncomfortable truths out loud, just because I thought it mattered. Truth, obvious truth especially, over performance. A colleague gave me the advice to never speak up if it would be harming me (or my image). But I can't think that way. The only thing I do take into account these days is actual safety.
And like, what even is "image" ?? A personal brand? Does that result need protecting? My personal brand is telling the truth even when it's implied that I "shouldn't" because yes - truth is important. My personal brand is truth-seeking. I want to ask that person what he feels his "image" is, and why he believes it needs upholding... with falsehoods, at that
Yes yes yes - this is why it's so important for everyone, no matter if they "fit the mold" or not, to be loud and take up space - bonus points for being gross / atypical / "un-ladylike" because it will help us ALL deprogram. ♥️♥️♥️
“ are only allowed to be complex if they also suffer” WHAT A LINE. What a revelation. Why did I feel that it was only after experiencing so much tragedy and trauma in life, that I could then be complex, intelligent, experienced?
I couldn’t agree with you more. And its a chronic shame that as the world continues to do all the things you describe we are wandering so far from the blueprint of ‘authentic me’ its making us ill. The truth is, this emotional dis-ease you so eloquently and brilliantly describe is making us all ill. We need to lose the limits labels and lies. Dis-ease creates disease. But wellbeing awaits for us all. And it’s rooted in being who one is created to be not who the world told us to be. People just see you how they need you. We need to ‘unbecome’. When this epiphany occurred to me I recently wrote a book ‘21 Steps to Unstuck’. I love your blog and think you’d really love the insights/book - thank you for this blog, so good
I was really interested in the word 'palatable' as it is not one that I think of when considering people. However, you have really made me think. Like Peller Marion I'm older & have begun finding great pleasure in being true to myself. As a youngster, I was always yearning to be one of the crowd but often was not. I now realise that was good. It was because I stood for MY values & often, try as I may, that did not change. Thank you for making me think again!
Loved this article. I was once told by an employer a few years ago that I was intimidating to people and essentially needed to fix my face (have bad RBF when I'm concentrating I suppose). That stuck with me for a longggg time. It stuck with me so much so that when my new employer introduced me to a new hire saying that I was always positive and smiling, I was genuinely taken aback because I just assumed that I was perceived to be intimidating and bitchy for lack of better word.
This is an awesome read! As gay man I learned to be palatable as survival strategy, to not be ostracized and bullied by my peers. It was better to be liked by a lot of people because that way I would have a tribe to fight with instead of a tribe to fight against. But although this helped me survive, I also became extremely aware of the pieces of myself that I had to discard in order to maintain that safety. It is one of those survival things, that used to help me but now has become a hindrance.
i used to be too kind to people, help the opportunists and what not. never said no or anything blunt for the fear of not being liked anymore. but at the end of the day, who cares about being liked by everyone. being liked by people you actually want to like you is more than enough. the whole world doesn't have to
This hits home. I've experienced this with my poetry and blogs, and gave up on them so many times.
It's like you can either make a reality show out of yourself- the woman who always screams, or be palatable- there's no in between.
Some things are too hard for people to swallow, but it is me who is rude for acknowledging that they are right there on the table.
I read the book- Amusing ourselves to death by Neal Postman, and this is exactly what he wrote about- everything is made to entertain, and talking about the hard stuff is irritable, like you are bringing people down on purpose.
Even when you see your friends, how often do you say- you know I'm not that good. And, even worse, when you do say it you are left with a crippling silence of people who don't even know how to listen or console you.
As an 82 year old woman I have abandoned being liked. I don’t get any glances from men like I used to. Only other gray haired women smile at me because we are in a secret club: the invisible club. So we take our revenge by being outrageously direct and truthful. But even with this we are told, “Oh, she is just an old lady.”
Being liked was always currency to get to stay in the tribe, popularity being the greatest thing as touted by many movies and magazines. If we stand back and take a look, all marketing is about being liked. Men don't do this and are praised for it. Now being grey haired and in midlife I see how I am dismissed by men of many ages and younger women. It's a tragedy and one we must amend. A friend of mine recently told me "I'm nice" (she) and "Everybody tells her so." I told her that acting in a way that makes people like you is just manipulation.
She hasn't spoken to me since 🤔😂. But as Sharon Horgan might say "I don't need to be liked by everybody, I'm not a small dog." 🐶😛
I can’t even begin to describe how much I find these words relatable. It takes a lot of courage to be true to yourself and be disliked for that if the situation demands. I struggle with this A LOTTT. I don’t even understand how to stay confident in my words or opinions. I stay mum in many conversations just coz I know my surrounding environment will find my point of view eccentric. I know they might bitch or dislike me behind my back. I keep everything to myself coz I know I will be wrongly judged. I wish there was a space where acceptance was more and being palatable was never an option💕
Such an interesting text, I kinda wanna print it and re-read it everytime I doubt myself. Let's keep on fighting this urge to be palatable and trying to be more true to ourselves!!!
I just recently used the word "unpalatable" to describe myself and this post came on my feed at the best time. I'm 25 and currently dealing with the consequences of being relentlessly truthful and simply myself (and therefore unpalatable)—it mostly manifests with bad luck in dating, because I don't make any effort to soften or shrink myself to try and earn love. It's not an easy path and it's caused me a lot of pain, but I will never regret being myself.
Yes to all of this, I absolutely feel the pressure to conform, to soothe the way for others in conversation. Does anyone have suggestions for how to gradually break these molds to be able to express, or worry less, but not lose those around us or even jobs?
same question! how do i still get along with others while staying true to oneself? social network is very important and affects various aspects of life honestly,,, so this will be a struggle when we dont wanna break connections or anything, am i making sense?
Yes, complete sense! There is a balance, as much as we want to be able to unmask and be honest in our presentation, we also need to survive and thrive in a complex society. The long-term solution involves less individual change and more societal shifts, as well as education around inclusion and awareness.
I was internally shouting “yes! many times reading this. In my 20s I was told many times I was essentially unpalatable and I internalized it into me being “wrong”. In my 30s I worked endlessly to prove to everyone I was “Good” until I burned out-as one does. Now in my 40s I’ve been questioning all of it and gently coaxing my intuition out of hiding. It is taking a lot to undo narratives, forgive myself, and see the nature of self abandonment and its damage. Articles like this remind me I’m not alone and to keep going to restore the “quirky and oddball” person I tried and successfully suppressed for over a decade. Now when other people point out I’m being difficult or I need to smile or speak in a certain tone—I know I’m on the “Good” path of coming home to myself.
Great piece! I never managed to fit in, in order to be liked. I always said the uncomfortable truths out loud, just because I thought it mattered. Truth, obvious truth especially, over performance. A colleague gave me the advice to never speak up if it would be harming me (or my image). But I can't think that way. The only thing I do take into account these days is actual safety.
And like, what even is "image" ?? A personal brand? Does that result need protecting? My personal brand is telling the truth even when it's implied that I "shouldn't" because yes - truth is important. My personal brand is truth-seeking. I want to ask that person what he feels his "image" is, and why he believes it needs upholding... with falsehoods, at that
Yes yes yes - this is why it's so important for everyone, no matter if they "fit the mold" or not, to be loud and take up space - bonus points for being gross / atypical / "un-ladylike" because it will help us ALL deprogram. ♥️♥️♥️
“ are only allowed to be complex if they also suffer” WHAT A LINE. What a revelation. Why did I feel that it was only after experiencing so much tragedy and trauma in life, that I could then be complex, intelligent, experienced?
I couldn’t agree with you more. And its a chronic shame that as the world continues to do all the things you describe we are wandering so far from the blueprint of ‘authentic me’ its making us ill. The truth is, this emotional dis-ease you so eloquently and brilliantly describe is making us all ill. We need to lose the limits labels and lies. Dis-ease creates disease. But wellbeing awaits for us all. And it’s rooted in being who one is created to be not who the world told us to be. People just see you how they need you. We need to ‘unbecome’. When this epiphany occurred to me I recently wrote a book ‘21 Steps to Unstuck’. I love your blog and think you’d really love the insights/book - thank you for this blog, so good
I was really interested in the word 'palatable' as it is not one that I think of when considering people. However, you have really made me think. Like Peller Marion I'm older & have begun finding great pleasure in being true to myself. As a youngster, I was always yearning to be one of the crowd but often was not. I now realise that was good. It was because I stood for MY values & often, try as I may, that did not change. Thank you for making me think again!
Loved this article. I was once told by an employer a few years ago that I was intimidating to people and essentially needed to fix my face (have bad RBF when I'm concentrating I suppose). That stuck with me for a longggg time. It stuck with me so much so that when my new employer introduced me to a new hire saying that I was always positive and smiling, I was genuinely taken aback because I just assumed that I was perceived to be intimidating and bitchy for lack of better word.
This is an awesome read! As gay man I learned to be palatable as survival strategy, to not be ostracized and bullied by my peers. It was better to be liked by a lot of people because that way I would have a tribe to fight with instead of a tribe to fight against. But although this helped me survive, I also became extremely aware of the pieces of myself that I had to discard in order to maintain that safety. It is one of those survival things, that used to help me but now has become a hindrance.
i used to be too kind to people, help the opportunists and what not. never said no or anything blunt for the fear of not being liked anymore. but at the end of the day, who cares about being liked by everyone. being liked by people you actually want to like you is more than enough. the whole world doesn't have to
This hits home. I've experienced this with my poetry and blogs, and gave up on them so many times.
It's like you can either make a reality show out of yourself- the woman who always screams, or be palatable- there's no in between.
Some things are too hard for people to swallow, but it is me who is rude for acknowledging that they are right there on the table.
I read the book- Amusing ourselves to death by Neal Postman, and this is exactly what he wrote about- everything is made to entertain, and talking about the hard stuff is irritable, like you are bringing people down on purpose.
Even when you see your friends, how often do you say- you know I'm not that good. And, even worse, when you do say it you are left with a crippling silence of people who don't even know how to listen or console you.
Great text.