it’s tough because it’s often a chosen reality. being apart of that “centre” often comes with so many responsibilities, risks and a lot of emotional labour, and i think people in this position often want to have the freedom to opt out. it can make life simpler to be a floater, but also that little bit colder in a way. i think it’s a trade off that needs to be made; intimacy, but giving up a portion of your freedom, or preserving that part of your independence but also having to deal with a level of exclusion.
Cue: sob. It feels good to finally have a name and be seen. It’s funny how all our little coping mechanisms, the small moments in our lives that at the time seem insignificant can create a bigger pattern in our lives. I grew up in a very emotionallly unstable environment, mean girls from an early age taught me how to quickly read a room and transmute. Dangerous men have left me with hyper vigilance and distance. Im someone who avoids drama and gossip at all costs. all these combined and so much more and I’ve found myself as the floater friend. I see myself in every version of each of my friends, but none of my friends really see me. It’s funny how the one who always remembers is often the one who is always forgotten. Thank you for helping me find clarity on something that has been weighing on me for many decades.
My goodness so well said, this has been so relatable to read and my experience too. Now that I'm planning my wedding, this reality keeps hitting me with each RSVP from my friends I hold dear. It really makes you reflect to see these friendships in a new light. You're always there for others, but who is really there for you?
You just described me. I’ve wanted a close friend group for my entire adult life. But this is what I’ve ended up with. Do we keep trying to find that close friend group or this just how it is?
I always felt like this in my friendships but could never pin point what was "wrong". I realize that as a floater friend for me at least I put myself in this "box" in my friendships. The way how I interact with them causes me to become the floater friend I but still crave intimacy and depth in my friendships. I'm honestly not even sure how to be the friend that has deep intimacy and bond😭
WOW!!! I needed this so badly. I received really scary health news this morning and realized I have 100 friends on paper but nobody who emotionally knows me well enough for me to share this news with and then this came into my inbox …. divine timing. thank you. I can root my experience in most of this and can adapt, if needed.
Wow this completely resonates, I love the line “the quiet glue of modern friendship. but glue, when not acknowledged, becomes invisible” so well written.
I don’t like drama and I value freedom so I think personally floatership can be a form of protection with certain groups. But I do have a select few friends who I just genuinely connect with and don’t feel the need to adapt for :)
Thank you for writing this, after a lifetime of feeling like a mismatched puzzle piece your words make me feel like I belong somewhere.
"welcomed everywhere, protected nowhere."
I am the quintessential floater friend.
While I don't mind casual friendships with some people, I want tested and true friendships at the center my life. I learned my value and made the choice to stop living on crumbs. Hopefully this new knowledge will help me find my core friend group easier.
I feel so seen and heard. You just put into words some of the feelings I have been battling with for a longer period of time. I am in my 30s where many of my friends are getting married and having babies, and I have been feeling a major fomo/sadness about the fact that I will probably never get asked to be someone's bridesmaid or godmother to their kids. Also, I don't know who to ask if I were to get married or have a child. Thank you for this text <3
Thank you for writing this, it speaks to me and my entire life. Sadly, the ending to the Floater Friend is that when you become a senior you become invisible. As with age people start to pull in and decrease their social circles floater friends are often forgotten. I want to say thank you again because I have never resonated with society outcast, but it seemed to be the only thing out there for those of us that do not have a "tribe/sisterhood". So in closing if any of you have been that floater friend and now find yourself alone in the 3rd Act I am looking for my own tribe and would welcome regular chats:)
i used to resonate with this a lot but i think for me a huge part of changing it has just been focusing on building my one on one relationships. i find that contributes hugely to me having more of a place in a group and it also means i have that rapport with different members of the group and its more fun for me to be around them and vice versa. for me a large part of friendship is around making the effort to transcend its original context - otherwise it’s easy to remain in the convenience environment of the class, the workplace, the friendship group where it started, and those contexts usually don’t last as long as we’d like our friendships to. friendship groups absolutely do have their place but relationship building (both in a friendship context and in a community building and organising context) is done through building shared interest, and that’s best done one on one.
Yes true, but as a floater lemme complete the picture, we steadily discover our interests and values, even when it makes the room uncomfortable over time, or make us steer clear of certain groups — the autonomy we have with being a floater is eventually something we treasure as we start to make friends who do treat us as blood, they’re not the whole “friends-list” on facebook, they’re a handful of priceless gems we’re forever blessed to have ever happened upon. All to say, if anyone is the floater in a friend group and still hasn’t found their blood, focus on finding yourself, and discovering more of the world, trying more stuff out, discover yourself and be unapologetic about it, and be open to change as well before deciding it isn’t for you……..and with discovering yourself, you sorta repel and are repelled by certain folks, perhaps some you used to float around, and gravitate towards people whom you want to have your besties. And sometimes you gotta make the plans and invites for everybody to hang out. After over decades of life, I can confirm that it’s a feat people rise to, not something to be taken for granted xd
Totally resonate with this but not sure how to change it
it’s tough because it’s often a chosen reality. being apart of that “centre” often comes with so many responsibilities, risks and a lot of emotional labour, and i think people in this position often want to have the freedom to opt out. it can make life simpler to be a floater, but also that little bit colder in a way. i think it’s a trade off that needs to be made; intimacy, but giving up a portion of your freedom, or preserving that part of your independence but also having to deal with a level of exclusion.
This, some of us are perfectly fine with being the floater friend, nothing is wrong with transient friendships
Cue: sob. It feels good to finally have a name and be seen. It’s funny how all our little coping mechanisms, the small moments in our lives that at the time seem insignificant can create a bigger pattern in our lives. I grew up in a very emotionallly unstable environment, mean girls from an early age taught me how to quickly read a room and transmute. Dangerous men have left me with hyper vigilance and distance. Im someone who avoids drama and gossip at all costs. all these combined and so much more and I’ve found myself as the floater friend. I see myself in every version of each of my friends, but none of my friends really see me. It’s funny how the one who always remembers is often the one who is always forgotten. Thank you for helping me find clarity on something that has been weighing on me for many decades.
I really resonate with your comment, my truth too <3
My goodness so well said, this has been so relatable to read and my experience too. Now that I'm planning my wedding, this reality keeps hitting me with each RSVP from my friends I hold dear. It really makes you reflect to see these friendships in a new light. You're always there for others, but who is really there for you?
I hate those days and moments when I'm suddenly reminded that I'm the floater friends in some of my favorite friendships.
You just described me. I’ve wanted a close friend group for my entire adult life. But this is what I’ve ended up with. Do we keep trying to find that close friend group or this just how it is?
I always felt like this in my friendships but could never pin point what was "wrong". I realize that as a floater friend for me at least I put myself in this "box" in my friendships. The way how I interact with them causes me to become the floater friend I but still crave intimacy and depth in my friendships. I'm honestly not even sure how to be the friend that has deep intimacy and bond😭
they say, awareness always is the first block to fall.
Felt this deeply 💕 it gave me the vocabulary to explain the feelings I've struggled to communicate these past few years.
WOW!!! I needed this so badly. I received really scary health news this morning and realized I have 100 friends on paper but nobody who emotionally knows me well enough for me to share this news with and then this came into my inbox …. divine timing. thank you. I can root my experience in most of this and can adapt, if needed.
Wow this completely resonates, I love the line “the quiet glue of modern friendship. but glue, when not acknowledged, becomes invisible” so well written.
I don’t like drama and I value freedom so I think personally floatership can be a form of protection with certain groups. But I do have a select few friends who I just genuinely connect with and don’t feel the need to adapt for :)
Thank you for writing this, after a lifetime of feeling like a mismatched puzzle piece your words make me feel like I belong somewhere.
"welcomed everywhere, protected nowhere."
I am the quintessential floater friend.
While I don't mind casual friendships with some people, I want tested and true friendships at the center my life. I learned my value and made the choice to stop living on crumbs. Hopefully this new knowledge will help me find my core friend group easier.
I feel so seen and heard. You just put into words some of the feelings I have been battling with for a longer period of time. I am in my 30s where many of my friends are getting married and having babies, and I have been feeling a major fomo/sadness about the fact that I will probably never get asked to be someone's bridesmaid or godmother to their kids. Also, I don't know who to ask if I were to get married or have a child. Thank you for this text <3
Thank you for writing this, it speaks to me and my entire life. Sadly, the ending to the Floater Friend is that when you become a senior you become invisible. As with age people start to pull in and decrease their social circles floater friends are often forgotten. I want to say thank you again because I have never resonated with society outcast, but it seemed to be the only thing out there for those of us that do not have a "tribe/sisterhood". So in closing if any of you have been that floater friend and now find yourself alone in the 3rd Act I am looking for my own tribe and would welcome regular chats:)
the fact that i just started at a new school, new city, new environment, this just really hit hard.
i used to resonate with this a lot but i think for me a huge part of changing it has just been focusing on building my one on one relationships. i find that contributes hugely to me having more of a place in a group and it also means i have that rapport with different members of the group and its more fun for me to be around them and vice versa. for me a large part of friendship is around making the effort to transcend its original context - otherwise it’s easy to remain in the convenience environment of the class, the workplace, the friendship group where it started, and those contexts usually don’t last as long as we’d like our friendships to. friendship groups absolutely do have their place but relationship building (both in a friendship context and in a community building and organising context) is done through building shared interest, and that’s best done one on one.
Yes true, but as a floater lemme complete the picture, we steadily discover our interests and values, even when it makes the room uncomfortable over time, or make us steer clear of certain groups — the autonomy we have with being a floater is eventually something we treasure as we start to make friends who do treat us as blood, they’re not the whole “friends-list” on facebook, they’re a handful of priceless gems we’re forever blessed to have ever happened upon. All to say, if anyone is the floater in a friend group and still hasn’t found their blood, focus on finding yourself, and discovering more of the world, trying more stuff out, discover yourself and be unapologetic about it, and be open to change as well before deciding it isn’t for you……..and with discovering yourself, you sorta repel and are repelled by certain folks, perhaps some you used to float around, and gravitate towards people whom you want to have your besties. And sometimes you gotta make the plans and invites for everybody to hang out. After over decades of life, I can confirm that it’s a feat people rise to, not something to be taken for granted xd