I relate to this so much. As a (retired) people-pleaser & oversharer, I've recognized that the majority of my friendships were not formed through building a mutual understanding of each other, but rather an attachment I developed within myself to feel validated, understood, and seen, even when in reality I was not. Taking a step back and reclaiming my power has made me realize that not everyone deserves to know me, and there is a lot of power in being intentional on the extent of access to yourself you give to others. I am who I am, and I no longer am interested in building relationships with people who will categorize me based on their selfish and personal desires, and my boundaries are absolutely non-negotiable. Thank you so much for sharing this piece, I loved it!
The timing of this post!! I finally came to the conclusion to quit the need to being understood, and bam! This gets dropped in my mail the next morning??! Thank you for sharing this! ✨✨
"not everyone deserves front-row seats to your life. some people are just there to observe from the balcony. some don’t even get into the theater. and that’s okay."
That’s a powerful piece. You describe something most people don’t even realize—they confuse vulnerability with access. Vulnerability isn’t about giving everyone a backstage pass to your life. It’s about selective openness, sharing with intention, and knowing who’s earned the right to hear your story.
What really hit me is your point about people wanting to categorize you. That’s so true. People love neat little boxes because it makes them feel comfortable. But the second you let them define you, you lose control of your own narrative. And honestly, that’s where boundaries come in. You’ve gotta protect your energy, your story, your self. Not everyone deserves front-row seats to your life, and that’s not cold—it’s self-respect.
This ties back to what I always say: connection starts with being okay with yourself first. If you’re grounded in who you are, you don’t need to overshare to feel seen. You can connect deeply without handing over every piece of yourself. It’s about quality, not quantity. And yeah, mystery is magnetic. People are drawn to what they can’t fully grasp—it’s human nature. So, let them wonder. Keep some of your magic for yourself.
I really felt this piece. I went from one extreme to the other when it came to being ‘an open book’ and it took me a while to figure out that it was not the answer. I love the way this illustrates that it’s the quality and intention of the people who you choose to share yourself with that builds the connection. Thank you for sharing this.
wow, this had so much depth. thank you for writing -- real power comes not from being seen, but from being known by the right people, in the right way.
This resonates so much! I’ve been over sharing so much of my life indeed because I thought it was the way to connect with others, but as I got older I also came to the conclusion that keeping my inner world to myself makes me feel so much better.
i have had similar thoughts to these before but you have put them into words that have so deeply defined my experience. a few years ago, i was in a pretty rough mental state and i thought that the more i told my best friends how i was, the more they could help me. the less i kept inside my raging mind. but they did exactly as you said. they thought they had enough pieces of the puzzle that was my life and mental illness that they could put my puzzle pieces back together for me. i gave them so much of myself that i no longer knew who i was or who they were. thankfully, they are no longer in my life, but being able to put their manipulation and control into words is extremely relieving. so i deeply appreciate your willingness to write on such a nuanced topic <3
This! I’m finally appreciating that there is a difference between privacy and secrecy, not may ppl get that and this part ‘it’s choosing to share yourself in a way that aligns with your values, rather than out of obligation or habit’ definitely spoke to me…being private doesn’t mean ur secretive or selfish, you are just being intentional about your life story, many ppl may interact w u, but only a few ppl really know u!
It's essential to find balance: vulnerability itself isn’t inherently risky or bad, but rather the timing, intention, and mutuality of that vulnerability matter most. Healthy relationships thrive on carefully measured openness, sharing not out of obligation or a need for approval, but because mutual trust and emotional safety naturally develop over time. It’s reciprocal: they give some, you give some. Are both comfortable? Then perhaps they give a little more, checking in. Still good? You share a bit more too. It's not pouring your soul out and expecting them to do the same immediately; it's gradual, natural, respectful and ultimately healthier for everyone.
There is nothing i hate more than unsolicited advice. Everybody has way too many opinions about other people’s lives. I think because it’s easier for people to criticize others than themselves.
That being said I think it’s important to recognize the issue is not being open, sharing, vulnerable. The issue lies in those that take this openness as an opportunity to chime in. There seems to be a lack of respect for differences, despite being so much rhetoric out there preaching at us all to respect these differences.
It seems you 're describing me, I am the person you describe in the second part: always mysterious and on my own, almost no one knows me truly. There were years, during my adolescence, when I was alone, with no one who truly knew me. In part, it's still like that. It was a deep loneliness. I tried to open up more, and that's how I found my best friends. What you say is true, but it can be dangerous, especially if you're very introvert, it can become a trap. You should never quit on being understood. We shoul alwey let people the chance to surprise us. I think balance is the key
I relate to this so much. As a (retired) people-pleaser & oversharer, I've recognized that the majority of my friendships were not formed through building a mutual understanding of each other, but rather an attachment I developed within myself to feel validated, understood, and seen, even when in reality I was not. Taking a step back and reclaiming my power has made me realize that not everyone deserves to know me, and there is a lot of power in being intentional on the extent of access to yourself you give to others. I am who I am, and I no longer am interested in building relationships with people who will categorize me based on their selfish and personal desires, and my boundaries are absolutely non-negotiable. Thank you so much for sharing this piece, I loved it!
The timing of this post!! I finally came to the conclusion to quit the need to being understood, and bam! This gets dropped in my mail the next morning??! Thank you for sharing this! ✨✨
The timing was spot on for me too!
"not everyone deserves front-row seats to your life. some people are just there to observe from the balcony. some don’t even get into the theater. and that’s okay."
Great essay, thank you for sharing
"The less you explain, the more power you hold"; and yet, here I am, overthinking how much to say in this comment. 😅
u did well :)
"suddenly, your most intimate thoughts are just background noise in someone else’s life"
Love this
That’s a powerful piece. You describe something most people don’t even realize—they confuse vulnerability with access. Vulnerability isn’t about giving everyone a backstage pass to your life. It’s about selective openness, sharing with intention, and knowing who’s earned the right to hear your story.
What really hit me is your point about people wanting to categorize you. That’s so true. People love neat little boxes because it makes them feel comfortable. But the second you let them define you, you lose control of your own narrative. And honestly, that’s where boundaries come in. You’ve gotta protect your energy, your story, your self. Not everyone deserves front-row seats to your life, and that’s not cold—it’s self-respect.
This ties back to what I always say: connection starts with being okay with yourself first. If you’re grounded in who you are, you don’t need to overshare to feel seen. You can connect deeply without handing over every piece of yourself. It’s about quality, not quantity. And yeah, mystery is magnetic. People are drawn to what they can’t fully grasp—it’s human nature. So, let them wonder. Keep some of your magic for yourself.
I really felt this piece. I went from one extreme to the other when it came to being ‘an open book’ and it took me a while to figure out that it was not the answer. I love the way this illustrates that it’s the quality and intention of the people who you choose to share yourself with that builds the connection. Thank you for sharing this.
Absolutely agreed
wow, this had so much depth. thank you for writing -- real power comes not from being seen, but from being known by the right people, in the right way.
This resonates so much! I’ve been over sharing so much of my life indeed because I thought it was the way to connect with others, but as I got older I also came to the conclusion that keeping my inner world to myself makes me feel so much better.
i have had similar thoughts to these before but you have put them into words that have so deeply defined my experience. a few years ago, i was in a pretty rough mental state and i thought that the more i told my best friends how i was, the more they could help me. the less i kept inside my raging mind. but they did exactly as you said. they thought they had enough pieces of the puzzle that was my life and mental illness that they could put my puzzle pieces back together for me. i gave them so much of myself that i no longer knew who i was or who they were. thankfully, they are no longer in my life, but being able to put their manipulation and control into words is extremely relieving. so i deeply appreciate your willingness to write on such a nuanced topic <3
This! I’m finally appreciating that there is a difference between privacy and secrecy, not may ppl get that and this part ‘it’s choosing to share yourself in a way that aligns with your values, rather than out of obligation or habit’ definitely spoke to me…being private doesn’t mean ur secretive or selfish, you are just being intentional about your life story, many ppl may interact w u, but only a few ppl really know u!
It's essential to find balance: vulnerability itself isn’t inherently risky or bad, but rather the timing, intention, and mutuality of that vulnerability matter most. Healthy relationships thrive on carefully measured openness, sharing not out of obligation or a need for approval, but because mutual trust and emotional safety naturally develop over time. It’s reciprocal: they give some, you give some. Are both comfortable? Then perhaps they give a little more, checking in. Still good? You share a bit more too. It's not pouring your soul out and expecting them to do the same immediately; it's gradual, natural, respectful and ultimately healthier for everyone.
agreed
Love this! I used to overshare to anyone and everyone. :(
There is nothing i hate more than unsolicited advice. Everybody has way too many opinions about other people’s lives. I think because it’s easier for people to criticize others than themselves.
That being said I think it’s important to recognize the issue is not being open, sharing, vulnerable. The issue lies in those that take this openness as an opportunity to chime in. There seems to be a lack of respect for differences, despite being so much rhetoric out there preaching at us all to respect these differences.
It seems you 're describing me, I am the person you describe in the second part: always mysterious and on my own, almost no one knows me truly. There were years, during my adolescence, when I was alone, with no one who truly knew me. In part, it's still like that. It was a deep loneliness. I tried to open up more, and that's how I found my best friends. What you say is true, but it can be dangerous, especially if you're very introvert, it can become a trap. You should never quit on being understood. We shoul alwey let people the chance to surprise us. I think balance is the key
Yes, balance is important
Why do I relate? This piece is personal and it also helped put some things in perspective. Thankyouu