why do we only feel lovable when we’re useful

somewhere along the way, we stopped asking, do they love me? and started asking, do they need me? we started measuring our worth by what we could offer—how quickly we responded, how helpful we were, how well we could anticipate someone’s needs before they asked. we became valuable through our utility. kind through self-erasure. lovable through how easy we made it to be around us. and we didn’t always notice it happening. it started quietly. like a soft rewiring. like learning a second language out of survival.

maybe it started young. for some of us, usefulness was love’s only currency. being the helpful one. the low-maintenance one. the emotionally intuitive one. we learned that people stayed when we were needed. and when we weren’t…they left. or they drifted. or they looked through us like we weren’t quite there. so we made ourselves irreplaceable. we performed tenderness through service. we read between lines and rearranged ourselves to fit better into their silences. we became good at holding things—other people’s emotions, other people’s burdens, other people’s messes. and we didn’t ask much in return. just stay. just don’t go.