how i built a life i could actually live

there’s a difference between being alive and actually belonging to your life and it took me years to realise i hadn’t been doing either. what i was doing, instead, was performing functionality. i knew how to look composed, how to sound motivated, how to appear like someone in pursuit of a fulfilling life. and yet, most days, i felt like an understudy for the role i was playing — miserably exhausted, vaguely detached, and haunted by a sense of urgency i couldn’t name.

when people talk about building a life, they often mean success — a career with upward mobility, a relationship that looks good in photos, a lifestyle with recognizable coordinates: busy but balanced, aesthetic but authentic. but building a life you can live — truly live — is a much messier, subtler thing. it’s not about what fits the feed. it’s about what fits your nervous system. it’s about what doesn’t make you shrink, perform, or leave your own body.