the anxious avoidant attachment style tends to get described as contradiction, as confusion, as mixed signals that frustrate everyone involved, but that framing misses something essential.
Oh Ayushi! How did you get to be so wise and knowledgeable? I’m imagining you are relatively young? (I’m 68!)
Are you a psychologist? You are also a Seer.
I’ve followed your essays for a long time. Not always able to read all. But when I do - I’m always amazed and thoroughly informed and enriched by your writing! THANK YOU. I deeply value your contributions. Though I’m not yet a fully paid member. But THANK YOU for your enriching contributions to our knowledge bank. I hope you write a book (or many books) one day!
As someone who dealt with this, it hit home. Pardon my nerdy rant below lol
You are suggesting that the 'inconsistency' isnt chaos. its just a High-Frequency Oscillation around a safety point.
You know In physics, stability isnt always stillness. A tightrope walker is stable cause they sway. The anxious avoidant pattern is just swaying wildly to keep from falling off a rope that felt quite thin in childhood.
As said, the goal isnt to force the swaying to stop (which causes a crash) It's to realize the rope is wider now.
Reframing 'Instability' as 'rapid regulation' changes the entire equation.
Attachment is not love; it is the fear of losing what the mind has claimed as “mine.” It arises when identity quietly merges with people, roles, or outcomes, and separation begins to feel like self-erasure. Love allows movement, growth, and even distance without inner collapse; attachment demands control to feel safe. The moment you notice this difference, attachment loosens—not through effort, but through clarity. What remains is a quieter, stronger bond rooted in freedom rather than dependence.
This framing resonates deeply with what I see in practice.
I appreciate how you describe anxious–avoidant attachment not as a flaw, but as a way of coping — a nervous system solution to relational unpredictability and overload.
What often gets missed is how strongly this pattern intensifies when capacity drops. Under chronic stress or exhaustion, people don’t just struggle with closeness — they struggle with any level of emotional activation. Even small relational signals can feel overwhelming because the system has no buffer left.
In those moments, attachment language can unintentionally pathologize what is actually a regulation issue, not a relational defect. The nervous system is overloaded, not “bad at intimacy.”
In my experience, these dynamics soften less through insight and more through restored rhythm, safety, and relational pacing. When the system has room again, attachment often reorganizes on its own.
Thank you for naming this with such nuance. It’s an important corrective to a lot of self-blame disguised as self-awareness.
this made me reflect on my own past experiences and come up with a clearer understanding of how I feel, if you’re interested in a read please check it out on my profile. im looking for new people on here that share the same views and experiences.
thank you for this you put very precise words on this attachment style !! better words that us who have it can often articulate.
Oh Ayushi! How did you get to be so wise and knowledgeable? I’m imagining you are relatively young? (I’m 68!)
Are you a psychologist? You are also a Seer.
I’ve followed your essays for a long time. Not always able to read all. But when I do - I’m always amazed and thoroughly informed and enriched by your writing! THANK YOU. I deeply value your contributions. Though I’m not yet a fully paid member. But THANK YOU for your enriching contributions to our knowledge bank. I hope you write a book (or many books) one day!
Bronwyn
As someone who dealt with this, it hit home. Pardon my nerdy rant below lol
You are suggesting that the 'inconsistency' isnt chaos. its just a High-Frequency Oscillation around a safety point.
You know In physics, stability isnt always stillness. A tightrope walker is stable cause they sway. The anxious avoidant pattern is just swaying wildly to keep from falling off a rope that felt quite thin in childhood.
As said, the goal isnt to force the swaying to stop (which causes a crash) It's to realize the rope is wider now.
Reframing 'Instability' as 'rapid regulation' changes the entire equation.
Good writing there btw!
Attachment is not love; it is the fear of losing what the mind has claimed as “mine.” It arises when identity quietly merges with people, roles, or outcomes, and separation begins to feel like self-erasure. Love allows movement, growth, and even distance without inner collapse; attachment demands control to feel safe. The moment you notice this difference, attachment loosens—not through effort, but through clarity. What remains is a quieter, stronger bond rooted in freedom rather than dependence.
This framing resonates deeply with what I see in practice.
I appreciate how you describe anxious–avoidant attachment not as a flaw, but as a way of coping — a nervous system solution to relational unpredictability and overload.
What often gets missed is how strongly this pattern intensifies when capacity drops. Under chronic stress or exhaustion, people don’t just struggle with closeness — they struggle with any level of emotional activation. Even small relational signals can feel overwhelming because the system has no buffer left.
In those moments, attachment language can unintentionally pathologize what is actually a regulation issue, not a relational defect. The nervous system is overloaded, not “bad at intimacy.”
In my experience, these dynamics soften less through insight and more through restored rhythm, safety, and relational pacing. When the system has room again, attachment often reorganizes on its own.
Thank you for naming this with such nuance. It’s an important corrective to a lot of self-blame disguised as self-awareness.
this made me reflect on my own past experiences and come up with a clearer understanding of how I feel, if you’re interested in a read please check it out on my profile. im looking for new people on here that share the same views and experiences.